A Cat’s New Year Resolutions

1. I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

2. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

3. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

4. I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

5. I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

6. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

7. My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

8. I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

9. I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

10. As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

11. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

12. I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

13. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

14. I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

15. I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

16. I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

17. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

18. If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

19. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

20. I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

21. I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

22. I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say “Where’s my supper!”

23. I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

24. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

25. When my young humans are playing with modelling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

26. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

27. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

28. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

29. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

30. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

31. I will not intrude on my human’s candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

32. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

33. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

34. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

35. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

36. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

37. I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

38. I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

39. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

40. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

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